When I was planning my wedding, I was fortunate to have a close friend, Heather, who was also planning her wedding at the same time.  So we were united in a Blood Bond of Nuptial Madness.

We would run around Seattle together looking at dresses and flowers and shoes and occasionally turn to each other and shout, “Weddings are HUUUUUUGE!”

And it’s true.  They are huge.  Even when you are absolutely sure that you want to marry the person who’ll be standing across from you at the altar, it’s still a big event, filled (usually) with a significant percentage of the most important people in your life.  That’s a lot to deal with.

Even if you were operating under Normal Circumstances and just having a super-fancy party, there would still be a thousand details needing attention.  Add in a Major Life Event, and it can quickly send your stress needle into the red zone.

So, here are a few tips which can help you keep you from having a protracted case of PAD (Premarital Anxiety Disorder) (There’s no such thing – I made it up.) (But doesn’t it sound good?):

1. Start Saying No. There are probably a dozen extra projects you could get involved with right now, or a bunch of concerts you’d like to attend, or friends you would absolutely love to go out with, or family members who need help moving across town.  Say no to them all.  You are probably hoping you’ll just get married once, and enjoying the process should be your first priority.  Plus, a wedding is like a play.  It’s a creative act, and you need time to daydream and fantasize and plan and organize.  So, give yourself the space.
2. Keep Up The Self Care. This is no time to stop exercising and start eating junk food.  And I’m not talking about it from a Looking Good In Your Threads perspective.  Exercise and eating well are some of the best stress-management tools we have, and of course the great irony is that we tend to stop doing them just when we need them most.  So ask for help.  Give your Best Man or Maid of Honor the responsibility of taking you for runs or bike rides.  Book a massage.  See a therapist.  Do whatever it takes to keep yourself balanced and healthy.
3. Don’t Let The Perfect Be The Enemy Of The Good. Honestly, if the color of the tulle doesn’t match the color of the frosting on the cake, it really doesn’t matter.  If your Mom wants to wear something excessively sexy or your Dad wants to dance with you to “Copa Cabana” or your super-religious Gramma wants you to please mention God just once in your spiritual-but-not-religious ceremony…go ahead and do it.  It’ll make them happy, and at the end of the day, no matter what, you won’t be any less married just because you conceded a few details.
4. Let People Help. You might think you’re creating a burden or an inconvenience.  But in reality most folks enjoy being of service, and the people who love you love to lend a hand.  Let someone can run a couple errands or make you dinner or clean your house before you get home from the honeymoon.  Give really enthusiastic people bigger projects like making the wrap if you’re doing a hand-fasting or growing flowers for the bouquets.  Ask people who don’t know each other to do a project together.  That way you’re delegating tasks and building community!
5. Don’t Forget Your Partner. It’s easy, in the middle of all the planning and running around to lose track of the person you’re actually marrying – or to see that person as a potential adversary if your tastes and wishes differ.  Remember that you’re on the same team here, and that the whole reason for this event is to celebrate your love for and commitment to each other.  That may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s amazing how fast you can forget it when you love lemon yellow and your beloved is a big fan of midnight blue.  So make sure you’ve got Tending Relationship Time built into your calendar.
6. Keep The Long View. Remember that no matter what happens, you’re marrying the person you love the most in the world.  And even if it rains or someone drops the cake or Uncle Dave gets drunk at the reception, no little detail is ultimately going to affect the quality or soundness of your marriage.  What will affect it, faster than anything, is A) losing sight of the fact that you’re on the same team, and B) losing your sense of humor.

So stay connected, stay groovy, keep breathing, take good care of yourself, and focus on the love.  In the end, that’s all that really matters.

While your wedding ceremony can consist of absolutely anything, it often helps couples clarify their thinking to know what the traditional structure of a ceremony looks like.  That way, they’ve got a sense of flow, and what elements they might want to look for in personalizing their wedding.

I come from a theater background, so bear with me, as I tend to think of the ceremony in those terms.

Also, because I perform ceremonies for people of all gender combinations and sexual orientations, I’m going to refer to the two people getting married (some combination of brides and grooms) as The Couple.

THE PRESHOW

This is when your guests are arriving and everyone in the wedding party is finishing getting dressed, doing last minute hair and makeup checks, and peeing one more time.

Helpful Tip: Have someone – let’s call them the STAGE MANAGER – designated to keep track of the time and where everyone in the wedding party is, so that they can let the Officiant know that the wedding party is ready (all bridesmaids out of the bathroom) and the ceremony can begin.

The Stage Manager can be your wedding planner if you have one, or a trusted friend or relative.  However, this person should NOT be in the wedding party.

The Stage Manager should also have a phone handy so that any guests who are lost can call for directions.

THE PROCESSIONAL

This is where the bridal party enters.  Guests comment on how great everyone looks, pictures are taken, anticipation mounts for the Big Wedding Outfits Reveal.  The Processional ends when The Couple is standing at the altar.

Helpful Tip: No babies or pets in the bridal party.  It seems like a cute idea, but they’re just too unpredictable.  In fact, there’s an old saying in the theater: Never share the stage with children or animals. They’ll always steal the show.

THE PROLOGUE

This is where the Officiant begins the ceremony – usually by welcoming everyone to this lovely event, honoring loved ones who might not be present, and saying something wise and pithy about love and marriage.

Helpful Tip: If you have poetry, music, or short readings you’d like included, this is a good spot for it.  You can also light candles, plant bulbs, or ritually wash each others’ hands.

THE PLAY

This is the moment when the The Couple exchanges rings and says their vows.  Sometimes they also wrap their hands in cloth or ribbon.  This is known as Handfasting.

Helpful Tip: It’s ok to read your vows from a piece of paper, or have the Officiant feed them to you line by line.  Also, don’t try to shove the ring all the way onto the finger of your Beloved.  Hands swell when people get nervous.  Only place the ring as far as the big knuckle, and let the person whose hand it is take it the rest of the way.

THE PRONOUNCEMENT

This is the moment when all vows have been made, and any final poems, songs, or blessings shared.  The Couple might have a last sip of ceremonial wine, stomp on a glass, or jump over a broom.  Then there’s a big kiss, a cheer, and everyone heads out to the party.

Helpful Tip: Know how you want to be pronounced and introduced.  For example: “By the power vested in me by the Highly Progressive State of Vermont, I now pronounce you husband and wife/legally married/hitched to the high heavens, etc…”  Or: “May I now present to you, Mrs. and Mr. Smith!”  Or: “Ladies and Gentlemen, please congratulate The Couple Jones!”

Of course, this is all just a general sketch of a ceremony.  Filling it in is up to you, and I am happy to help you with that process.  And remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect.  Regardless of what happens, you will finish the day married to your Beloved.  And that’s what matters most.